As a mother I have learnt..

• I do not need to go to the bathroom alone. I always need a running commentary. I wouldn't know what to do without one.
• I do not need to drink a warm drink between the hours of 6am and 8pm, tepid is in fact the best temperature for me. 
• I can have poo on my hand and on my face but still be more concerned about removing the poo from the arse of my child.
• I must have an answer for everything. 
• I do need to eat the mushy carrot from the palm of my 9 month old.
• If I laugh, I must explain why it was funny. Only to be told, it really wasn't funny at all. 
• Going shopping only includes buying toys and sweets, beyond that there is no point to it.
• Sitting down is not an option.
• Whatever is on my plate is free to be stolen and distributed to various other sources in the house. Whatever is on their plate is not.
• The programmes I like to watch are in fact crappy. All of them.
• Sex is not a spur of the moment thing, it must be booked in 3 days before, and still has a 50% chance of failure due to the following reasons: Teething, nightmares, good film on, book I can't put down, cats need to sleep in middle of bed, children who need to sleep in the middle of the bed.
• 1ps, 2ps, 5ps, 10ps can all be put in their piggy banks rather than my purse or my bank.
• Bath time is talking time. The sound of the taps means that all children must go straight to the bathroom and ready a conversation and become clingy for me right at that moment.
• My bladder is free to do as it pleases. I do not really want to hold in small squirts of pee when I laugh, sneeze or cough.
• Everything I say and do can be repeated to outside sources, including Doctors, Dentists, elderly on the tram, friends, people behind the counter & inanimate objects.
• Every day you are free to feel guilty for something you did or didn't do during the day. Every day.
• If I open a chocolate wrapper the noise can be heard from miles around and they will know what I am trying to do.  
• That I like gin.

My weapon of choice.

What have you learnt?