I have this friend, he is a male friend. This makes no difference to the story but the details are everything. When I told him I had a blog he asked to never have his name used. I'm okay with that, so instead I'm going to call him Balti.
I've known Balti for nearly 5 years, during this time I've seen him (I think) 5 times. We are friends, and I've seen him 5 times in 5 years. I can over look that, I do try to make myself available for friends. I change plans, get babysitters and I even brush my hair and put on a bra.
We've been speaking quite a lot lately, he was having problems with a female. He seemed hurt about it. So I've tried to take his mind off it, tried to be supportive. I've listened and advised. We went for dinner, I'm usually okay with dinner conversation.
I soak up their problems, I don't mind. I'm a good listener. Some people say they are, but I really am. You can literally tell me anything. This weekend was filled with other peoples tales of woe. Serious things, I was shocked by some of the things I've learnt.They are swimming around my head now, clouding my own thoughts.
It got me thinking, why don't I share? What is it that stops me?
Balti even said. 'If you ever you know, wanna, you know, talk, you can.' He had to say it twice, my initial reaction was one of sarcasm. Why did I do it? Fark knows.
I do so much want to talk. I'm just not sure you can handle it if I do.
I just can't bring myself to do it, I'm at a point with how I feel, at this very moment, if I talk, really talk, I'll cry. I don't know how I am holding it all in right now. I'm not, I have tears falling down my cheeks. It feels like the tip of the iceberg.
Have you ever stood on the highest dive board? That's me. I'm there. The pool below looks crisp and clean, for the few seconds of falling you are free. I mean really free. Then you hit the water. If you hit that water at the wrong angle you can hurt yourself. If you get it right, you slice through and glide out the other side.
If I talk, I'm hitting the water the wrong angle. I'm going to hurt. I don't feel glidey.
I need a hug.
A real one, from someone who cares.