Friday, 29 June 2012

All the fucks I don't give.


Disclosure: There is more swearing. If you don't like swearing, then, well, it is a bit late. It's in the title too.


I have something for you!

  * opens empty fist* Yes that right there is all the fucks I don't give. Wait wait, one sec.... Other hand, let's check... Oh look *another empty fist*. There are atleast double the amount of fucks I don't give.

  What do you mean you don't understand? Yes. You. Do.

Are you waiting for the parent of the year award? Do you somehow think that by pointing out my child smells a bit like toast is going to win you a prize? Does your little cherub always smell like cupcakes and hearts? Oh of course they do, I forgot you are THAT parent. The one who's children excel at life and you excel at being a perfect parent.


They crawled at how old? 3 months? Oh congratulations, mine drags herself across the floor like a starving zombie. Oh, no sorry you are right, that isn't a thing to joke about.*Hides Smirk*

 She did the alphabet backwards at 3 years old? Haha, couldn't she do it normally? Oh yes obviously how silly of me, she can do it both ways. Timed you say? Oh how lovely. * Fixed Grin*

 Yep, oh Eldest is fab a bit naughty here and there, nothing I can't handle though. What? Never naughty? How do you stand it? Mmmmm it is a matter of how they are raised? * Failing Fixed Grin*

She is home schooled. No it's great fun, we very much enjoy it. What do you mean how do I know she is learning? Because I have all the evidence at home. No it isn't illegal. *Sarcastic tone creeping in*

You know what perfect parents this is for you, my child has been dirty, has sometimes got sticky hair, she is home schooled, she likes the outdoors, I don't veto mildly dangerous things, she can skip too. I even let her eat a chicken nugget *SHOCK*. She once heard my dad call me a silly dickhead for dropping a cup, it was funny, everyone laughed, she thought Silly Dickhead was my name for a few days after that. She called me nob the builder. She got glitter in her mouth, and had a unicorn poo. She once ate a block of cheese in secret after creeping out of her room, for no other reason than wanting to do it. I've bribed her to do good stuff. She has bribed me into giving her good stuff. She is probably smarter than I am. She isn't perfect, I don't want her to be goddamn perfect. Because when she goes out into the world, there is a lot of not perfecting things. I don't want her to be afraid to be herself. Ever. So if that includes dirt, tripping, unhealthy food, the occasion swear word exploration and poo talk. I'm okay with it. I won't censor her life in order to look like a perfect parent.


Oh and one more thing!!!





EDIT: I am a fucking fabulous parent. So are these perfect ones. We just do shit differently. Very differently

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Why? Meme




 Why? why? why, why why why whyyyyy.

I'll start by saying I was tagged by the ever so delightful Jess over at Catch a Single Though. The idea is to write a list of questions you would like to ask you kids. I mean they ask us alllllll day long a million questions, some of which I really don't know the answers to.

So my darling darling girls this is for you..



 Why can you yawn, begin to droop in your chairs, tell me you are sooooo sleepy then the minute you go to bed you are wide awake? WHY?

Why do you always have sticky things in your hair? I bath you daily, you wash, even when there is no sticky. Eldest why do you always have sticky hair?

Why no matter how many times I tell you, do you continue to wipe your mouth on those clean, freshly out the dryer cloths? In public? and WHY is it always tomatoe sauce?

Why Mojo do you think it is funny to stick you chubby handies in my mouth and grab my tongue?

Why is there lego on your bedroom floor? I went to great lenghts to not buy you lego to avoid the treading on it fiasco.

Why are the only times you want to bring up the fact I did a poo today, on the tram, with the person across from us?

Mojo, on the theme of poo, why do you wait till the moment we are about to leave the house to take a massive skitty one that travels?

Why is Mr. Tumble funny?

Why don't you want to slap Mister Maker in his face when he mentions 'gloopy glue'?


Why after a horrible day, that involves glue, jam, skitty poo, poo tram talk, wearing fairy wings to the shop, spraying my plants with washing up liquid & numerous tellings off, do I forgive you, go to bed and ready myself for more? 

Why is it okay to have a tantrum about me removing a block from the pile, but when it comes to things line injections you don't mind?

Why is my food, your food too?

Why is it, when you're sweaty it's okay, when I'm sweaty you say I'm a 'stinkyface'?


Okay so it is really simple, think of a few questions you want to ask your little darlings put them in a post, tag 5 interesting people and pass it on, if you feel like mentioning you got tagged by me then you are more than welcome. Have fun!

My chosen taggies are...

Sarah Wood over at MumofThree World
Sarah D over at I Do Think
Mummy Drinks Tea
Leopard Print Mommy
BugBear

P.S If you are't going to be putting up a post, feel free to plonk a little sugar in the comments box. 

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Mojo feats & feets.



I went into my girls bedroom last night to find Mojo standing up, albeit holding on to the rails of her cot, but there she was. Standing. She had be shouting 'Momomommmmomomom' which is the ultimate trap. They shout, you go running - even if it's just to see a finger being wedged into the ear of the cat.

I was surprised & delighted to see her new feats. However she then decided it was time to not sleep & was in fact time to come and be Spiderman downstairs, basically climbing over everything including me. Where she stayed till after 11. We put her back to bed.

 An hour later I check up on her and see feets.




So I share with you, awake Mojo feats & tiny sleeping feets.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Balcony Garden Project


Some snaps of what me and Eldest have grown. We have a little garden growing on the balcony as part of homeschooling fun. It's more than biology. We are growing food & herbs as well as pretty stuff, I wanted to teach her what goes into food, the effort it requires to make thing beautiful & the joy of then using it (she started eating the dill). Wanna see? Oh okay then....



Flaming Katy



Mint at the front, Rosemary at the back.



Dill, Sage & Rosemary in the back.






This is what happens when you let a 5 year old move things around. Mess.



Chives, Parsley & Basil.



Ivy, 3 of them



Chocolate Mint Coleus.



Chocolate Mint Coleus - a tidgey bit closer.



Cayenne Chili



Thyme

Oregano - not sure what type.

Lost the tag, totally forgot what this is.   


If you can identify this herby thingy please leave a comment. Also there is totally the possibility I have miss-labelled. But you don't mind... right?

Here is a list of where I got what originally, the pumpkins are growing well too. - Inspired Changes.

You are beautiful, so am i.





Post baby confidence in a tricky ol' thing. Some of you ladies (if you're a man and reading it you're also lucky) will have gotten away totally unscathed. I personally didn't. I got fat, stretch-marks, wobbly bits where there weren't before, bags under my eyes. Decent ones.

Oh yeah, my boobs are definitely not where they were pre-baby. I have a minor sag on my tummy, but it's actually tiny- ish. ( at least that's what I tell myself !! )

I had a time, a while, 3-4 years, in which all I wore was black baggy clothes, I figured this was the best way to hide myself. Away, camouflage. If you can't see it, it's not there. I would try to wear jumpers and cardigans under a coat so I always had something covering my arms and tummy. Instead of feeling protected under all this, I felt like I was drawing even more attention to myself. Queue - living in jogging bottoms (classy I know) & a hoody. Hideous, I don't even know what I was thinking. Well, actually I was thinking - I'm a fat bitch, hide it.

So one day, I got up. I went to the wardrobe and realised I had thrown everything out, everything fitting in any way, this distressed me, I had throw away the old me in a pile of cloth. I went shopping. I bought a pair of jeans and a colour jumper. Colour - oh yes, I got colour. From then on, I have bought a few more bits and pieces with colour, fitted, patterns, snazzy shoes. I noticed that I wasn't helping my frame of mind, I was making me worse. I was the only one who commented on my size. I was the one who huddled in a corner. Tried to shield myself from things that weren't even there. I had to turn this around. So I did, I still have bad days, I look longingly at my joggers, my faithful old wobble hiders. But it's a short path from feeling fantastic to feeling like a beast. So everyday, even if it's just my hair that looks good, there is something. Something about me I love.

Today we are told that as mothers we should have a baby and a tummy tuck at the same time. Cover up our dark circles with plenty of make-up. Be thin. Smile all the time. If we are SAHM's we should be working, if we are working we should be at home. Our houses should be clean - always. We should be able to cook, clean, raise children, earn, be smart, be pretty and sweep the floors while standing on our heads and having sex with our partners.

There are other things but hey, I don't really care anymore.

I don't really care.

I don't care about who is doing what, where and why. I, for the first time in a long time, am a very happy, confident person. Wobbly bits and all. This is because I an no longer trying to cater to all these things.

I am me. No matter if I put on 20 stone, drop down to 5 stone, shave my head, or magically get taller. I wouldn't mind the last one. It's not even just a being a mom thing, sometimes we can all find it hard to summon the confidence to express ourselves. To let ourselves shine.

 I've seen a few beautiful posts from blogs I like flashing some flesh. I love it. I love you for doing it. So I'm going to flash mine. Complete with annotations.

 No matter who you are, where you are or what you are doing this is for you.

So pass it on, do you tell anyone they are beautiful?

Thursday, 21 June 2012

When Twitter is down..



Yes ladies and gentlemen, I sat and stared at this screen. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now? Do you? 

Academy 4 Wellbeing


So there is an event tomorrow to promote Academy 4 Wellbeing. I was meant to be attending but due to a little change in arrangements I can no longer make it! Very sad about this, but hey-ho having children comes with hiccups.

The guys over at Azaria PR were kind enough to send me a press release in light of my non-attendance. So I'll share some of the information I received with you.

These guys work not just on your fitness levels, but also your emotion state & nutritional health. It's a complete programme designed to kick start you into a more healthy way of life. You can choose from a few different options, for example you can take a residential week and totally immerse yourself in the programme, arrive each morning and leave each evening or even choose a PAYG option for just straight up weekly exercise. 

Here is what they have to say:





The Academy 4 Wellbeing will change attendees’ lives because…

«  It is not a quick fix solution. It gives attendees sustainability as well as the emotional, physical and nutritional tools to live a happier and healthier life.
«  It gives access to the leading UK and international wellbeing experts.
«  A supportive and empathetic approach is at the heart of the Academy.
«  The one week residential course ensures attendees get hour by hour education and support.
«  Healthy, calorie controlled gourmet cuisine is served throughout.
«  Puts attendees in a ‘real life setting’ with support from the Academy’s experts to equip them with the skills they will need when they return to their day-to-day lifestyle.
«  Courses are personalised to meet individual needs and requirements 


What makes the Academy 4 Wellbeing different?  

 
It’s Founder and Chairman understands, more than most, what attendees are going through. Bob Bowers, a successful businessman, spent years working hard to build his business but at the expense of his health. The turning point was when he was diagnosed with diabetes due to his weight.  After searching for a weight loss retreat in the UK to no avail, Bob had to go to America for his treatment and support.  Bob is now a healthy weight, having turned his life and his health around.  Motivated to help others, Bob set up the Academy 4 Wellbeing with his son Daniel.

Bob states: “The aim of the Academy is to help those wanting to improve their health and wellbeing. We are passionate about supporting each and every person who comes through our doors.  Our aim is to educate and empower them to lose weight and keep it off.” 



This place was born out of a personal need to educate & motivate people. Sharing his own experiences and struggles to lead a healthier life style, Bob is bringing an American style boot-camp to the UK. There is something for all budgets from a £5 per session PAYG to a 7 day, own room , boot-camp with prices starting from £1295 pp.

  If you are interested in fitness, nutritional eating, a more healthy life style, more energy or just want a good old kick up the bum to get fit, check out the link below!

Academy 4 Wellbeing


 This is not a sponsored post. Information between the dividers was provided by Azaria PR on behalf of Academy 4 Wellbeing. Everything around the dividers is personal opinion or information from the Academy 4 Wellbeing website.

The Versatile Blogger Award



 This is amazingly awesome! I'm really chuffed and what not.

Okay I will start with who it was from, that would be Suzanne over at 3 Children and It which a fantastic blog & a great read, I highly recommend nipping over! Did I mention she is funny? She is. 
 This is the first meme I've taken part in, I'm proper stoked about it.

So here's the thing, I tell you 5 random facts about myself, link back to the blogger who tagged me (as above) and tag 5 bloggers to do the same! Nice and easy and a bit of fun. And the lovely bloggers I've tagged do the same on their own blog, and on the linky love goes.

 So on with the facts!


  1.  I have a massive birthmark on my ankle, it is huge and its a browny poo smudge colour, so most people think I have a dirty foot, makes flip-flops a little difficult. I'm very pale. I have a dirty ankle.

  1. I've moved house 9 times in 5 years, one of those was moving to Holland where I spent a year working as a brainstormer (and so much more) for a sustainability company. During that time I met UN leaders, attended seminars on housing conditions in other countries. I was touting the OS-Housing stand at WACAP . I loved it and I'm still looking for a project I loved as much as this. 

  1. Once, I forgot all my ingredients for a D&T (food tech) cooking double lesson, on route I picked up eggs, frozen peas & a tin of those gacky potatoes. The peas defrosted in my bag and the whole time I pretended that this potato & pea omelette was what I wanted to make. I called it a Spanish omelette, because I totally knew what I was doing... right? Anyway I cooked the shit out of that stuff. 

  1. I never ever answer the phone. Ever. I'm a screener. I'll get back to you when I feel like it. I'm over connected, I have twitter, facebook, linkedin, blog, 2 email accounts, pintrest (which I'm crap at), whatsapp, texts, mms.... So I don't answer the phone. I do however answer an email within the hour.

  1. When I was 3 years old, I went to the circus and sat on an elephant. The elephant was called George and while I was sitting on him, he did a poo and I cried about it. In the middle of the ring, in front of lots of people I broke my heart because 'part of the elephant fell off'. I still love elephants. Cool beasts.



The bloggers I am going to tag are...

BabberBlog - I love it. It makes me go 'awwwww' a lot.
The Single Mummy Adventure - There are photo's and funnies. It's a lovely blog. 
My Two Mums - Beautiful story, beautiful blog. Just love it.
I Do Think - She is a friend & when she does post (rarely), it's always worth a read.
MayBelaters Beauty Blog - It's about beauty, it's about funny, plus there is a link to her other blog. Totes worth a read too.

And thats my five, I really enjoy all of these blogs. You should too. Really. 

Thanks again to 3 Children and It!!

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Fancy-ful Fotos


Okay so, I wanted to make a fancy header and I really couldn't be bothered faffing with Photoshop, Illustrator or anything else with vectors. Just no. It was too late. I'm a lazy person, alright?

So anyway long post short, I nipped over to FotoFlexer and created my header.

I would say before you start get all your photos, frames, swirls and other things in a folder for easy access.

The functions are all really simple, no need for an in depth tutorial, they make it very easy. So here we go making something super simple.



You'll land on this page, it's nice and simple. Click Upload Photo. There will be three options on the next page, just go with the middle option like the picture below.



Middle option on the left hand side, hit the Upload button in the middle

Now to choose a photo, as I mentioned before if you've plonked them in a file' you've no need to hunt.


So here you go, choose whatever photo you'd like to use.


Your page is going to look similar to this one, if you have more photos to upload or frames you can do this now or edit your first photo then do it later. It's up to you.



I'm just going to add a bit of text on for now. As you can see, I've gone to the 'Decorate' tab, there are a few options in here for example as I am doing, adding text, there are also glitter animations & stickers. All good fun.




And here I've just thrown a quick picture over the top. However, if you want to get a bit more technical you can.

To put a photo inside a frame for example, you load the photo just like above, then you will see a tab that says 'Load Another Photo'. Hit that button and choose your frame. To put the photo 'inside' the frame, select the photo and hit the 'Layers' tab. Then click the 'push-back' option. And hey-ho you're done. If you have any sticky out bits, you can use the eraser found in the 'Decorate' tab.

Have a play around with all the different features, don't be afraid to experiment, you may just make something amazing!

Resizing is fairly easy, just remember to keep the proportions press the Shift key while moving it.

And finally, remember to save your work.


If you have used a transparent background remember to choose .png :)

Enjoy!!

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

It gets easier!


Does it? When you have a baby, your eyeballs are dry, you have a walk like John Wayne due to a swollen vagina, your boobs are either attached to baby or leaking and sleep is a delicious luxury. They say it gets easier, and in some respects it does. For example if you have a reasonably easy birth, your hurty parts go back to unhurty quite quickly, your boobs get unleaky and so on. Not everything gets easier.

 This is all sparked by a well meaning lady who had a one year old with her today in the supermarket. Mojo is swinging her legs and blowing raspberries in the Caboo Carrier...

Conversation

'Awwwww isn't she a sweety' Lady
'Yes, if you like monsters' Me
'Oh don't worry about it, I was like that, it gets easier you know?' Lady

Enter Eldest who comes down the isle, I'm going to add she has a massive pair of blue fairy wings one, and a side pony 'cause that what the cool kids are doing (or so I've been informed).

'Sqqqqqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!!!! Orange or green or blue or green or orange, there was purple but I don't know WHAT kind of milk THAT IS, imagine purple milk HAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaha'

Exit Eldest.

I look up to see 'Lady' looking a bit pale.

'Oh, don't worry, I used to think it got easier too'. 

I'm guessing 'Lady' assumed I only had one evil child. I hate to tell you this I have two.

The things that seem to get more complicated :

Meal times, question time, bed time, bath time, nappy time, sex time, quiet time, shopping time, conversation time, time on the phone, the times I'd like to take a poo alone. Locking doors in the house any time.
  • Meal times - become a place where Mojo repeated rubs her food in her hair, it's fun.
  • Question time - all day long.
  • Bed time - Why do I have to go to bed? Are you going to bed? No? Well why do I have to? (also see question time)
  • Bath time - 'I'M DROWNING MUMMY' No you aren't I'm looking at you. MORE BUBBLES - while Eldest pours at least half of my shampoo into the bath.
  • Nappy time - Also known as 'wiggle while kicking legs, rolling and trying to grab old carp filled nappy', enjoy the placid none movement times of newborn.
  • Sex time - Grab it while you can, as soon as either of your pants come of there will be an epidemic of things going on in the kids room. Quick in out. 
  • Quiet time - I had quiet time once, it never sounded like my house
  • Shopping time - military operation, put half of house in handbag, leave all sweaty, come back even sweatier. Forget the things you went for.
  • Conversation time -  Who is that? Who are you? Where do you live? Do you want to come to my house? Why not mummy? Is it cause you did that fart in the kitchen this morning? ( see question time)
  • Phone time - Who's that? Can I speak? Did they ask about me? Why not? Don't they love me? (see conversation time & question time)
  • Poop alone - Lock the door did you say? Yes I used to lock the door, till I noticed that every time it was locked bad stuff happened. Like the time Eldest decided that the table needed to be cleaned, with hair gel.

The things that get easier -

  • Brown Smudge on hand becomes a Parental Russian Roulette - Chocolate or poop. It has been poop. I've licked poop. I don't care.
  • Sick, anywhere, all over. You don't care. 
  • Getting funny looks from strangers while you children tell them all about the poop/fart/burp you did that morning. It's okay, it's going to happen again. 
  • Baby crap leaks. All down the legs. While baby wearing, you got it, don't sweat. (see Russian roulette, wipe carefully)
  • Laughing, when they are newborn & you have a million visitors and even more advice, you don't know you arse from your elbow everything seems tough. It is. Don't stress, you'll laugh about it at a later date. Laughing is easier. 
  • Telling people to mind their own goddamn business. You eventually realise, no other mother trucker is raising your children. You are. 
  • Enjoying little things, I can tell you, I love reading one paragraph from my book guilt free. Yes siry I manage a whole paragraph before some shit happens somewhere. 
  • You get these magic Momma spidey senses. You don't know what it was that happened, but you know there was something somewhere. 
  • Drinking a cold coffee & eating cold food. See above list of things that may happen at any given time, if you're trying to do something it's open season on question time!

After asking 40 million questions

After listening to 40 million questions



If I've missed anything you found easier please feel free to add more!! 


Friday, 15 June 2012

Thank-you Mister Mojo


Dear Mister Mojo aka Beau,

  I know you don't always read the blog, but if you happen to come across is in the next few days this is for you.

I know that we as a couple and as a family have had a few difficult times, but we got through it and I hope we continue to do so. Yes I agree I am stubborn, a pain in the arse & overly guarded at times but thank you for understanding why and carrying on. CHAMP!

You stepped in and became a step-dad to Eldest very early on, it was a move that we were terrified of  to begin with but you somehow managed to win her heart too. This situation couldn't have been easy, it probably isn't easy for anyone and I am thankful everyday that when I told you I had Eldest you didn't balk, you asked questions. Important ones.

  • How old is she?
  • Does she like superheroes?
  • Does she like fish?
All very important. On our first date, I took Eldest with me, I was nervous that it would be too real for you, too much. It wasn't. You took us to the Sealife centre, that fish question finally made sense.  You even had a giant panda teddy in tow for her. A sentiment that meant so much to me, my heart nearly exploded - you may never understand.

And now we are here, a few years on and with Mojo in the mix.

Thank- you for the following:

  1. For Eldests panda - at a time where I thought no panda was possible
  2. For the surprises, not just gifts but the emotional ones
  3. For the times when I was at a loss as to how to bridge the gaps between where we were and where we wanted to be
  4. For making me feel like I'm not silly (sometimes)
  5. For making Mojo with me
  6. For accepting my experimental cooking (and giving good reviews)
  7. For holding my hand, when I really needed it
  8. For understanding that sometimes I emotionally retarded
  9. For allowing my emotional baggage to be kept in the cupboard under the stairs, but letting me peer in on it from time to time 
  10. For being a fantastic hands on step-dad even though you'd never held a baby before
  11. For changing nappies that are in fact so disgusting I die a little on the inside
  12. For not minding that you have sick on your shoulder, smell like baby wipes and didn't sleep for weeks
  13. For the coffee. Thank - you very very much for the coffee.

I love you more for many more reasons than these, I wouldn't know where to start with the rest, when/if you finally come across this post I just want to point out you are snoring in bed and I did the dishes so you owe me a coffee upon completion ;)








You are everything that I had hoped for and more and I am proud everyday that you are my Mister Mojo.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

TOOT TOOT


Eldest had been asking for some sort of wind instrument for a while, and I wasn't quite sure what to get her, in one of the recent Blog-Match.com emails there was an advert for John Crane Tidlo Rainbow Rercorder. I asked if she would like to test one out, and in true Eldest style she was pleased as punch.

When it finally arrived she already had in mind where she wanted us to go to take pictures - Forest Walking & to the park, to her these are interesting locations. Hey-ho the 5 year old is running the show. Anyway.... Pictures anyone?













Oh and we have a video that I had to badly edit due to her rabbiting on, but I'm sure you get the jist. She gets to the point quickly...


video

We recieved a Rainbow Recorder to review via Blog-Match.com & John Crane Toys.

Monday, 11 June 2012

#SnapHappyBitMums #Children


Here are my children. Eldest is holding on to Mojo an hour after our homebirth. It was a lovely moment to see Eldest so excited and surprised.

 To quote her 'I know you said there was a baby in there, but it really is a baby!!!!'





Sunday, 10 June 2012

For Sarah!


I didn't post anything yesterday about your birthday.... As it's a day late Happy Unbirthday!!



Silent Sunday

Saturday, 9 June 2012

And then the sadness


This week has been a funny week for me. Some times I get sad, I want to say depressed but hey, that comes with stigma, one I don't much care for.

Mother has depression, she has had it for years, she takes pills. She also takes spells in which she does things she can never take back and 'forgets' about them. I'm not sure if she does, one day I sat and told her some of the things. Things like chasing me up the stairs hitting me with a plastic rod for closing and opening blinds because it had unhooked itself. Things like, pinning my younger brother to a wall at 7.30am while he was in his school uniform because he said 'I don't really like weetabix'. I don't allow weetabix in my house, that might be why, also I don't like it.  There are many more incidents I don't care to talk about and she doesn't care to remember. When I get the sads, which is what I call it, I have a small weed of a thought, 'Am I like her?', it slowly spirals through my brain, I can almost feel it gripping me. Contorting, deforming, crippling.

Am I like her?

She used to take herself to bed for days and cry. You could hear it in every room in the house. You have to get on, you have to ignore it. Because if you mention it, it's real, and when it's real, it gets worse. She's on medication. I know I've said it, but she was on medication, these doctors told us it would get better. I'm still waiting.

I do cry, I cry uncontrollably for an hour and then I feel better. I need the release of crying. The primal wailing noise, or the silent sniffles, it never matters to me. I don't care at the time.

A few weeks after I had Mojo, I sat and held her while I cried for three hours. I shocked myself, it came from no where and left just as quickly. But the sads I've had for a few years. It comes on, and it goes. In those times I can't find the will to function correctly, I feel broken. I hit my auto pilot button, everyone gets fed & washed, dressed and undressed, teeth, hair, bills, obligatory phone calls. I can do this, I've had years to perfect it. I never ever mention my sads to my Mother, it would be like wearing the same outfit for the rest of our lives. There are a few things I want in life, to be like Mother isn't on my list of things to do.

The person who suffers is never me, I don't feel like I suffer. I pray to anyone who is listening that my children, my babies, the heart and soul of me won't feel how I felt. Won't see what I saw. Won't know what I know.

Beau suffers. He is my champion, my saviour. I tell him I don't love him, because I'm an empty person, I don't love anyone during the sads. He smiles his usual smile, puts the kettle on. He sits with me silently. I want to be alone but I never want him to leave. Silence.

A few days later, I feel the weeds of the sads slowly diminish,  pulling their tendrils of hopelessness and ruin back into the tiny corner of my mind where they live. They live there.

Keeping busy keeps the sads at bay but only for so long, there will be the night Beau is at work, brother is out and the babies are in bed. I can almost hear the weeds creaking to life.

 I can almost hear it... This past week has been full of sads. It's going now, I've even baked mini muffins with Eldest, to me it's a secret celebration. This week I'm going to feel okay.

This week I'm going to feel okay.

This week.

Mini Choc Chip Muffins


After winning, Eldest was over excited to get started one something, so I nipped over to the Bakingmad.com site, after all that is where everything came from...

Found this Mini Choc Chip Muffins and so we began...

I haven't posted the recipe as it is on the site, I have however got pictures!


Happy baking face



Silicon cases, random sizes - as is the wimsy of the Eldest

Mixing in progress

Super Monest Mixing... apparently

In with the choccy chips

Doing a little rising in the oven

Multi- Magic Muffins.

She had a great time making them, and they are super simple. Fun times.

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