If you are reading this, I have probably died, if I'm not dead then you lot have shuffled me off to a nursing home. Bastard.
I love you. That is what I want to say first, I really do. No matter what has happened, even if we no longer speak at this point I will always love you.
Eldest you might not remember this, but when you were under 2 we had a house, with a 4th hand couch and 2 beds. We borrowed a telly so you could watch some Cbeebies. You loved that. You weren't hungry I promise, but you had no treats either. We got through. What did I learn? I learnt that I was strong enough to do it. I was strong enough because your tiny little spirit was brighter than mine has ever been. At the end of a day, with not much in it, you always had a little smile and something to say, it never made sense obviously, you barely make sense at any age. You saved us. Really.
Somehow between 2-4 we got our shit together. We moved country (again), moved back in with my Mother. I'm sorry for that, you barely slept, that couch was always a piece of shit. The floor wasn't much better. We got another house. The one I am typing this in. It smelt a bit like wee when we moved in, I hope you don't remember that obviously, but it's true.
Look at it now, its clean safe and warm. We did it kid. Not alone, but you have been with me since the start of everything going wrong and the struggles, it was you who no matter what, held my hand.
No matter what, I'll hold yours.
I know that I was never the best mum, but I was never the worst either. I want you to know that I really tried my best, even when I never knew what 'best' was.
If you have children by now, I want them to give you the mental torture you gave me. I really do. I hope so much that they do not listen. I hope they are naughty, funny and smart. Everything good and bad from you. All of it. You'll also know first hand that even when you think you're out of love and hope there is always more to be found as a parent, you always have something worth fighting till your very last breath for.
I want you to know that you will be fine. It might seem like one long dark tunnel at times, but you have amazing people around you. I promise you, if you ever get lost one of us will be there to find you. No matter how far down you fall, look up, someone will be there for you.